


The small pleasures of life

by gaymalkins



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Cooking, F/F, Femslash February, Pancakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 08:32:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6044992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaymalkins/pseuds/gaymalkins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For some, the good things in life boil down to a challenging job and unlimited resources. For others, it comes down to snacks and good company. It's up to Miranda to keep an eye out for Shepard as she adjusts to a second chance at life, and sometimes that just means that she has to be there when Shepard needs to talk in the middle of the night aboard the Normandy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda old now but it's Femslash February and I thought it might be nice to post my two fics across from FF.net to celebrate.

"Operative Lawson, wake up." EDI's disembodied voice rang through her quarters.

Immediately alert, Miranda sighed in frustration. It couldn't have been long since she'd fallen asleep.

"EDI, what is it?" She brought her hands to her face and forced herself to wipe the sleep from her eyes as she sat up.

"You have asked me to keep track of Shepard's sleeping patterns and to let you know if anything seemed amiss. This is the third occurrence in a row where she has woken up in the middle of the night-cycle for an extended period of time. I judged that to be of importance."

Miranda thought the AI sounded almost apologetic as she divulged the information. She reached for the robe laid over the back of the chair near her bed and thanked EDI. Her arms felt heavy as she put on the garment over her sleeping clothes.

"Where is she now?" she asked as a yawn brought a tear to her eye.

"She is currently in the mess-hall."

Stopping long enough to peer in the mirror at her reflection to fix any stray hairs, she made her way briskly across her quarters and out into the third deck of the Normandy. She had already made her way into Shepard's line of sight before realising her feet were cold. She glanced down to see her bare feet against the metal floors of the deck.

"Hey." Shepard said from the counter, not looking up. Miranda looked up at her. She had dragged one of the heavy chairs from the mess there and was sitting at the counter as she read from a datapad. In front of her she had a hot beverage in a mug. A small pile of biscuits sat next to it.

"Trouble sleeping?" Miranda asked as she reached for a mug from the cupboard.

"Something like that." Shepard narrowed her dark eyes at her playfully as she looked up. They looked bloodshot and there were heavy bags underneath them. "How about you? You're not spying on me, are you, Miss Lawson?"

Miranda gave her a small smile. "My job is to keep an eye on you, Shepard. Especially now - you have barely been awake for a week. No-one has ever found themselves in your... position, so we can't be sure of what to expect or what problems may arise." She dropped a teabag into the boiling water now in her mug.

"I don't think this has much to do with the Lazarus Project. Not directly." She picked up a biscuit to dunk it in the dark liquid in her mug. "I'm just... having nightmares." Shepard's voice was small at the admission. Miranda noticed the way her Commanding Officer avoided eye contact as she rested against the counter facing her.

It was strange to see her like this. After two years of viewing Shepard as a science project, a slab of meat connected to machines, it was odd to just watch her be. During those two years she hadn't really thought about how it might feel to see that same body moving of its own accord, her brown skin shimmering under the harsh, artificial light of the ship. She hadn't thought of how her voice would sound, husky and deep but still full of laughter and mischief as she cracked a joke to the crew. Miranda found herself surprised at how short the Commander was. It was hard to reconcile the short stature of the woman in front of her now with the greater-than-life persona she exuded. She had always been at the same height underneath her hands as she worked on her during those two years, but she had always had this idea that Commander Shepard would tower over her when she finally rose. She seemed so tiny, sitting cross-legged on the chair, eyes not meeting her own.

"If you need to talk to someone, Shepard, there's a reason Miss Chambers is aboard the ship." She studied Shepard's reactions as she talked. "She was hand-picked for this job and anything you discuss with her would stay between the two of you." Well, not exactly; The Illusive Man was bound to catch wind of everything happening within the ship. But she needed Shepard at her best, and if telling a small white lie was what it took to get Shepard on her way to being well-rested, then so be it.

"No, it's all right. It's just been a lot to take in, you know?" She looked up then with a lop-sided grin, eyes twinkling with humour. "It's not every day you wake up and realise you've been dead for two years."

Miranda wasn't convinced, but she wasn't about to push the issue. She understood the desire for privacy perfectly. If Shepard didn't want to share her intimate thoughts with a complete stranger, Miranda wasn't going to fault her for it.

"In that case, perhaps you should go see Dr. Chakwas in the morning. Maybe she can give you something to help you sleep dreamlessly. You look absolutely exhausted, Shepard, and we need you to be in top shape."

The Commander sobered at that, eyes focusing. "You don't have to worry about that. I know that there's a lot resting on my shoulders right now. I won't disappoint you."

Shepard lifted the last biscuit to her mouth and put it in whole, her cheeks puffing up like a rodent. The gesture elicited the raise of an eyebrow from Miranda.

"Now, now, Miss Lawson. Don't look down on the small pleasures of life." she said as she chewed the food. She got up from her seat and picked up her now-empty mug, bringing it to the sink. "Don't tell me you don't have your indulgences."

"As a matter of fact, I don't find sugary treats that hard to resist."

Miranda smirked into her tea as Shepard dropped her jaw in mock disbelief.

The two stayed together in silence for a few minutes. As Shepard washed her mug and cleaned the counter, Miranda scrutinised her from the corner of her eye. The scars on the marine's face still seemed quite inflamed. The cybernetics no longer shone through the fragile skin, but the ragged edges of flesh were still there. She felt a sudden rush of sympathy for her Commander and mentally cursed Wilson again for forcing her to wake Shepard too early.

"Beyond the nightmares, Shepard... are you okay? Does anything hurt?"

Shepard took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she took note of herself. "No. I'm just...really, really tired." She gave the Cerberus Officer a small smile. "My facial scars sting a little, but I guess that's to be expected?" She dropped the dishcloth into the sink and slowly moved past Miranda. "I'm going to try and get a few hours of sleep."

"Goodnight, Commander." Miranda's voice was soft as Shepard passed her, her head barely reaching Miranda's chin.

She's so tiny. Miranda mused as Shepard made her way to the Normandy lift. Downing the rest of her tea, she turned and made her way into her own quarters.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a few weeks since nightmares had interfered with Susan Shepard's sleep. As per Miranda's recommendation, the Commander had made her way to the Medical Bay the morning after their chat and confided in Dr. Chakwas about the terrors plaguing her rest. Miranda wasn't sure exactly what the Doctor had given her but EDI assured her that it had knocked her flat on her ass the first few nights.

It showed. Miranda sighed with relief just after the first night. Shepard's eyes were once again clear and bright. They still had heavy bags under them but she looked better already. Shepard no longer walked half-dragging her feet along, but strode with confidence everywhere she went.

Miranda was pleased with the progress they had made in their mission so far. They had been successful in collecting Mordin Solus and Archangel from Omega, soon followed by Kasumi, Jack and Grunt. Shepard had always been easy with her smiles, but the Cerberus Officer wasn't prepared for how cheery the Commander could actually be with an old friend. It was hard to not feel like a third wheel whenever she was taken along with Garrus for assignments, no matter how much she reminded herself that she was there to ensure the mission's success, not to make friends. But it wasn't just with Garrus. Shepard just seemed to develop an easy friendship with anyone she liked. She fell easily into step with Kasumi from the get-go, the two often trading quips up ahead while Miranda trailed close behind them. It frustrated her.

It wasn't like the Commander was disagreeable towards her. Quite the opposite. Shepard had remained friendly with her since their late-night chat in the mess hall. She would stop by her office just as often as she checked on the other squad members situated around the ship. She'd wave at her across the deck whenever she exited her office, making Miranda's stomach flurry uncharacteristically. People weren't often so outwardly friendly towards Miranda. When Shepard sat in front of her as she disclosed the story behind her abilities and genetic engineering, she spent a lot of time staring out of the side window or down at her feet, unable to meet her Commander's eyes, rapt with genuine interest.

Shepard's chirpy disposition had lasted until a few days before. The Illusive Man had contacted them about a colony whose communications seemed to just have gone down. It was a good lead. Previous harvested colonies had also gone off-grid just before they were hit by the collectors. Dr. Solus had developed a measure against the swarms just in time and a squad of three had been promptly dropped on Horizon.

Meeting resistance in the form of collectors on the colony was expected. Ashley Williams, however, was not. The Illusive man had briefly mentioned that Ashley had been assigned to Horizon, but nothing could have prepared Shepard for the hostility thrown at her from her former squad member. It was understandable. As much as the words coming from Ashley made Shepard wince and her stomach knot into a mess, she could understand them. Cerberus was the enemy. She hadn't forgotten that. But she also knew that a brief alliance with Cerberus was the only way the Collector problem was ever being addressed. They found themselves at an impasse, so Shepard straightened her back and felt her eyes sting as she took the brunt of her friend's hurt.

Having witnessed this in person, Miranda was not surprised as she watched Shepard's whole body starting to droop over the next few days. At meal times she would play with her food, dragging it from one side of the plate to the other, forming sculptures only she could make sense of. Shadows returned to her face, the sunken eyes making her look older and exhausted. Miranda sighed sadly when EDI's voice filled her quarters in the middle of the night, informing her that Shepard was once again in the mess-hall. She simply got up, slipped her arms through her robe and made sure to put her slippers on this time before leaving her quarters.

A growing stack of pancakes on a plate and her Commander hard at work was not what she expected to see when she reached her destination. Clearly standing on her last legs, Shepard leaned against the counter with her hips as she attempted to flip the pastry on the frying pan. Her eyes were half-lidded and a huge yawn coursed through her body as she stood there. Miranda felt a pang of affection for the marine and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"Shepard, are you sure you're going to be able to eat all of those? That stack looks almost taller than you. Of course, that's not much of a feat in itself." she couldn't resist teasing her as she made herself known.

Shepard looked startled at first, but her face cracked into a wide grin as she saw who it was. Miranda felt the familiar flutter in her stomach at the sight. "Well, I could be persuaded to share..." Her face turned solemn quickly. "You might have to fetch a plate from the top shelf yourself though. I risked my life enough getting this one."

Miranda allowed herself to smile as she answered. "I'll have one."

She made her way past Shepard and reached the plates with ease, making sure she accentuated the action for the benefit of her companion. The commander narrowed her eyes at her as she extended her arm to reach for the plate. "Show off."

Both carrying a plate, they made their way to the table and sat down in neighbouring seats. Miranda watched with a horrified expression as Shepard lost no time in drowning her own pancakes in thick syrup. When her Commander offered her some she simply waved the offer away. Miranda bit into the fluffy flesh of her own pancake. She'd expected to be overwhelmed by an explosion of flavour, given Shepard's eating habits, but the sweetness was subtle and Miranda found herself closing her eyes in the moment. She nodded her compliments at Shepard, who simply smiled as if she'd expected nothing else.

As they ate in silence, they felt the faint hum of the ship underneath their feet. In the cold vastness of space, the Normandy was the only living thing in their vicinity. Alone on the deck in the middle of the night it was easy to forget that they were not alone on the ship. From the corner of her eye, Miranda watched as Shepard seemed to be fighting some kind of inner battle, emotions changing in her face almost too fast.

She finally broke the silence. "Miranda, am I still... me?" Her eyes remained on her plate as she cut into the syrupy pancakes with her fork.

"What do you mean?" said Miranda, furrowing her brows in genuine confusion.

"I mean... Am I... Is this... the same body from before? Did you change me when you...rebuilt me?" Shepard's voice was barely a whisper.

Comprehension dawned on Miranda. "Shepard... this is still you. The only parts of you that aren't are the few cybernetic implants we used to return your skeleton to the way it was before. We couldn't regrow that."

"But I'm still... human? Right? I'm not..." Shepard's voice was steady, if quiet, but the trembling of her hands gave her away. "I'm not...?"

_A machine._ Miranda thought to herself. She reached out and gently covered Shepard's hand with her own. She didn't usually initiate physical contact. She had made her way through life surrounded by people who felt entitled to touch her. So Miranda learned to wield her elegance as armour and an icy stare as a weapon. Being there with Shepard at that moment made those tools obsolete. Reaching out felt right. Shepard needed... something. So Miranda would give her what she could. She gave Shepard's hand a little squeeze as she waited for her to continue speaking in her own time. 

"When I woke up at the Lazarus Station... when I saw myself... my reflection for the first time... Miranda, it scared the fuck out of me." Shepard took a deep breath. "I saw my eyes and my scars glowing and all I could think about were those husks I fought during my hunt for Saren."

Shepard paused, pale and shivering. She looked like she was trying to keep her food down as she pushed her plate away from her. She took a deep breath and brought her hands up to pinch the bridge of her nose, her eyes squeezed shut.

"That's what my nightmares were about when I came back aboard the Normandy. I dreamt that I was walking through a crowd and no matter how much I tried to calm them and reach out they just wouldn't stop screaming and running away! I couldn't speak... All that came out of my mouth were these gnarled sounds. And then I'd look at myself in mirrored windows and I'd see glowing eyes staring back at me... at it...?" Shepard let her head sink into her folded arms, forcing herself to take slow breaths. Miranda didn't interrupt her, simply moving her hand to Shepard's shoulder as the other woman moved. She felt Shepard lean into her touch slightly.

"The other day on Horizon? I wasn't prepared to see husks again. And then what Ashley said... it just... brought back fears I haven't really worked through, you know?"

_I don't trust Cerberus. And it worries me that you do. What did they do to you?_

The marine groaned as she sat back up, hands covering her face. "And this headache is certainly not helping!"

"Shepard..." Miranda struggled to find the words to reassure her. She felt unequipped to deal with her Commander's pain. Humans were messy. Chaotic. She liked the certainty of working in a clinical setting. No chance of saying the wrong thing there. But seeing the other woman like that stirred something in her. "Shepard, look at me." She did, peeking at her through her fingers. "I promise you - you're still you. Still human. You are alive."

"But Cerberus was still responsible for those experiments. On Chasca... all those people..."

Miranda felt herself tense at the topic. "Shepard, that was not Cerberus. We can't keep track of everything, and cells do occasionally go rogue. That was not Cerberus' fault."

The tired look Shepard gave her made her want to look away, but she held her gaze.

When she spoke, Shepard's voice was still quiet, but it had a hard edge to it. "I will never trust Cerberus. They've done too much. They're corrupt. I'm working with them because we currently have the same goals, but I do not approve of their methods." She emphasised each word as she spoke.

Miranda felt a retort rising in her throat. Her belly was too hot and she needed to say something. She opened her mouth several times but she couldn't form what she needed to say. She was wrong about Cerberus and Miranda needed to let her know. She needed to understand.

Shepard's eyes softened. "Look, I don't want to fight about this. I trust you, Miranda." She reached for the other woman's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You've had my back unconditionally these past weeks and I would trust you with my life. But please don't ask me to put the same kind of trust on the Illusive Man. It's never going to happen."

Miranda forced down the urge to speak with a gulp. Ranting at Shepard when she was this tired was not going to help her case. She decided to drop the issue. For now.

For a moment the two just looked at each other. Miranda's urge to say something waned as she scanned her Commander's face. The bloodshot eyes were back, as well as the bags under them. She noticed the way they would go out of focus occasionally. She really needs to sleep.

She also saw little things she hadn't quite noticed before. Like the way a few curls of Shepard's tightly-coiled hair sprang loose from the ponytail she had it in. One in particular, just above her forehead. It stood attention and bobbed around as Shepard moved her head. And were those freckles on her cheeks? Two years putting this woman back together from scraps and she couldn't believe she'd never noticed these small things. And why did this seem so important all of a sudden? They were such innocent features, at odds with the image of the soldier she found herself following every day. A soldier who knew her way around a battlefield, and who never hesitated in fighting her way through mercenaries and gang members.

As Miranda looked up to Shepard's eyes, she saw amusement peeking through the weary expression. She felt a jolt run through her as she realised she had been staring. But had Shepard also...?

"I should really go." she said, springing into her full height.

"Oh, of course!" Shepard sobered at that, also getting on her feet. "Look, Miranda... thank you. Really. I liked this and I think it really helped." She gave Miranda a soft smile.

"Of course. We need you at your best." Miranda's words were clipped as smiled back, and she felt fidgety on her feet. She needed space. She needed time to think."Good night, Commander."

She didn't really wait for a response before turning on her heels and making her way into her quarters in what she hoped would be seen as a brisk pace. She thought she heard Shepard saying goodnight to her, but she found it hard to hear over her embarrassment as she stumbled over her own feet on the way to her door. Those damned slippers!


	3. Chapter 3

Her eyes hadn't left her terminal screen since she'd opened the message. She felt her stomach sink as she read through it one more time.

_She's been compromised._

Miranda leaned back in her seat as she processed the information. Her father was getting closer. She needed to move Oriana as soon as possible. She ran a hand through her hair and sank deeper into her seat, her mind running through every possible option. Why did this have to happen now that she was aboard the Normandy? Miranda liked to do things herself; it was the only way to ensure that things were done to perfection. There was no room for mistakes when it came to Oriana. But now? She may have to pull some strings with people. She may have to ask for help from the Commander.

It had only been a couple of days since the pancake incident. Miranda had so far managed to keep her distance from Shepard, not looking forward to spending time alone with the person who had seen her in such an... ungraceful moment. Miranda felt the back of her neck burn at the memory.

Pushing those thoughts to the back of her mind, Miranda reined in her emotions. She took a deep breath and replied to the message, asking her contact to keep an eye on the situation and to contact her with any news. She squared her shoulders, got up, and made her way out of her quarters.

Shepard was exactly where EDI said she'd be. Chatting excitedly with Garrus in the corridor leading up to the Battery room, Shepard practically bounced on the balls of her feet as Garrus listened, arms crossed and an amused expression written on his face. Their sentences were punctuated with smiles and laughter. As Miranda approached them both she understood that the subject of their conversation was Tali'Zorah.

Following the mission on Horizon, new dossiers had been added to the list. The quarian was among them. Shepard all but sprinted to the CIC upon reading it, setting a course straight to Haestrom. Shepard, Garrus and Joker had then held a short conversation over the communications system about the 'good old days'. Miranda had wasted no time in retiring to her office.

"Ah, Miranda," Shepard said as she saw her approaching. "I was just about to go find you. We'll be in Haestrom any minute now. Can I count on you to come with?"

Miranda was taken aback. She and Tali had not shared the most pleasant of introductions. She didn't have a lot of experience reading quarian body language, but it was clear from the tone of voice alone that Tali would have been happy to put a bullet between her eyes had Shepard not been there the first time they met in Freedom's Progress. An unfamiliar feeling gnawed away at her as she thought back to that day. Was it regret? She had not exactly been kind with Veetor. Shepard's a bad influence, Miranda thought to herself as she opened her mouth to answer her Commanding Officer.

"Of course, Shepard. I'm ready to go at a moment's notice." She lingered, unsure of whether to approach the subject in the corridor. "Shepard... I was hoping I could take a moment of your time?"

Shepard lightly patted Garrus on the shoulder as he took his leave. She turned back to her with a beaming smile. "Of course! What do you want to talk about?"

Miranda eyed the corridor and knotted her eyebrows. "It's... personal. And it may take a while to explain. Could we do this after we return from recruiting the quarian?"

She noticed how the Commander's eyebrow twitched ever so slightly in response to her choice of words. "Certainly. I'm more than happy to talk in private when we come back from recruiting Tali." Shepard accentuated her friend's name, giving her a look. Her voice didn't sound angry but Miranda understood.

"Noted, Shepard." She bit her lip and turned on her heels.

\-------------------------

To say that Haestrom was infested with geth was an understatement. They came at them in swarms. The sun ate at their shields, forcing them to hurry through the battlefield and to take cover in whatever shade they could find. Miranda caught the hitches in her Commander's breath as they scanned the corpses of fallen quarians. No-one said much as they made their way through the ruins, the only sounds being the recorded logs of the quarian team, encouraging them to find Tali.

The Dropship didn't make it easy for them. They were forced to fight off a seemingly never-ending barrage of them, Garrus and Shepard sniping as many as they could at a distance and Miranda overloading their shields. Well-timed warps on Miranda's part ensured the detonation of Shepard's biotic slams. On more than one occasion Miranda caught Shepard smirking at her. She returned them. They made a good team.

Shepard's relief at the sound of Tali's voice was palpable. They didn't talk for long, but it was enough to renew Shepard's hopes and to propel her along. She forced Kal'Reegar down as they arrived near the observatory and the three of them fought their way through the geth's last line of defence. Garrus took position on the bridge on the right where he could snipe from while Miranda accompanied Shepard through the left side of the field.

As they got closer to the colossus, Miranda was worried Shepard was becoming distracted. Her fears proved justified when a geth hunter snuck up on Shepard. Miranda shouted a warning but Shepard didn't look around in time to protect herself. Her only saving grace was Garrus, who sniped the geth through the headpiece just as it started shredding through her shields with a shotgun. Miranda rushed ahead and tackled Shepard behind cover just as the colossus released another pulse beam.

Miranda's face scrunched up in fury at Shepard's recklessness. She grabbed hold of her Commander's collar piece and gave it a shake.

"Damn it, Shepard! You need to focus!" She pulled her closer so they were nose to nose, her voice turning into a snarl. "There's not much point in rushing ahead to meet Tali if you're not going to be alive to greet her."

Shepard gaped at her as she was released with a shove. As Garrus sniped another approaching geth, her eyes focused sharply. She nodded at her before returning to position, and switched to a heavy pistol to dispatch the approaching geth at close range.

They were close to the colossus now. It lost sight of them both as they took cover behind the wall on the left. Garrus rushed along the bridge and took position parallel to them, keeping the colossus distracted as they lined up their own attacks. Shepard switched to her heavy weapon and hacked a geth trooper to help them out against the other foot soldiers while the colossus regenerated its shields. It didn't take that much to bring it down at this range. With a final explosion from a biotic detonation, the colossus fell and the three regrouped.

Tali awaited them inside. She hugged Shepard and Garrus as they entered through the door. The three of them were all smiles for a moment, before Shepard announced the news of the deaths. Tali shoulders dropped. Miranda watched from a distance as a new wave of hugging started, this time full of condolences and comforting. She looked visibly relieved as she learned about Kal'Reegar. As Tali turned back to the entrance of the observatory, her eyes met Miranda's. Miranda felt like a deer caught in the headlights. She was the other here. The three of them had their shoulders wrapped in each other's arms as Miranda stood there awkwardly, using the arms folded in front of her chest as a shield. Shepard turned her head, sensing something had changed. Upon seeing their body language, she detached herself from the unit and approached Miranda, who simply looked at her confused.

She placed a hand on Miranda's back as she addressed Tali. "You remember Miranda, Tali?" She grinned up at the Cerberus Officer as she spoke. "She's taken the liberty of saving my ass quite a few times in your absence. Including, but not limited to, today," she said with a smirk.

Miranda felt a swell of pride and affection at her words, touched by the gesture. She couldn't stop the small smile tugging at her lips. She felt a sudden rush of confidence and moved forward to address the quarian.

"We didn't exactly get off to a good start. I'm hoping I can make a better second impression." She tentatively raised a hand towards Tali, who hesitated. The quarian looked at the two of them in distrust for a moment, as if trying to understand why Shepard was trusting Cerberus. She held the Commander's gaze for a long time, neither of them moving. Just as Miranda was lowering her hand in defeat, Tali took it. The two shook hands in silence as Shepard watched, eyes darting from one woman to the other, as if half-expecting a shootout to start at any minute.

"Glad someone's keeping an eye on this one. For a Spectre, she certainly likes to flaunt her head like a target," said Tali, unable to keep the mirth from her voice as Shepard looked insulted. "Tell me, does she still insist on driving the shuttle like a deathtrap?"

Miranda gave her a genuine smile. "Given the reports from two years ago we made sure to hire someone especially for driving the shuttle. We're not spending another 4 billion credits on her just because she decided to nose-dive us into a crater."

\-------------------------

Their trip back to the Normandy was fairly uneventful. Miranda watched as the three of them caught up. There was no sinking feeling in her stomach this time, but curiosity took the best of her and she watched them from the corner of her eye. It was clear Tali'Zorah still didn't trust Cerberus. Her eyes darted from crewmember to crewmember as she walked past them, and she kept her distance from them. Only Garrus and Shepard seemed to be on the receiving end of her trust. Still, as long as she got the job done... The Cerberus Officer found that she enjoyed the quarian's presence; She was clearly quick-witted and competent. As the four of them entered the lift in the hangar, Shepard turned toward Miranda.

"I haven't forgotten about our talk," she said smiling. "I just want to settle Tali in and take a quick shower if that's all right?"

"Sure. I need to clean up as well," Miranda replied.

She exited the lift in third deck, nodding her goodbyes to them, and made her way to her room to pick a few things up. After a quick shower she found herself once again in her quarters. Her thoughts turned to Oriana and the knot in her stomach continued to tighten. She'd received a reply from her informer, and it wasn't good news. Miranda found her anxiety building as she waited for Shepard's arrival. The day hadn't left her too long to ponder how she would approach the subject. Normally she'd bask in the few moments of silence she found for herself, but at that moment everything was too quiet. Not even the view of the stars from her window was enough to calm her.

She got up, too fidgety to just sit idly. She turned as she heard the sound of her door opening, and came face to face with Shepard, who was stuffing her face with a sandwich. The two just stared at each other for a moment before Shepard swallowed the mouthful of food.

"May I bring this in? I promise not to get any crumbs on your floor," she said sheepishly.

Miranda just nodded, motioning to her to follow her. They made their way to the seats in the back of the room, and Miranda sank into one immediately. Shepard followed in suit, sitting cross-legged on the couch.

"You know, for such a nice guy, Jacob's kinda tactless. He just went right ahead and told Tali to introduce herself to EDI." Shepard sigh. "I'm surprised she didn't knock him on his ass. The way she was looking at him, I wouldn't put it past her."

Miranda bit her lip. "That's... he just told her that...?"

"Yep," Shepard replied as she placed the plate of sandwiches between the two of them. They were cut in triangles, the ham poking out from between the crusts. "Help yourself."

"Thanks." She hadn't even remembered to pick up anything to eat. She knew that she should really eat something, but with the way her stomach was doing flips at that point she doubted she'd keep anything down. She took the one that looked the smallest.

"So how can I help, Miranda?" Shepard asked.

She took a deep breath, and she told her. She told her about her sister. And about her father getting closer. And about how she needed to relocate Oriana's family to ensure her safety. She didn't tell her the whole truth; Oriana was her secret to keep and she'd like to keep it that way unless absolutely necessary. As Miranda talked she played with her uneaten sandwich. She picked at the crusts, removing them until the bread was clear and white. Then she began to pick at the ham protruding from between the two slices.

Shepard simply listened. She looked at her with undivided attention while she talked, occasionally nodding at specific points and asking her a few questions.

"I mean, we're already going to Illium at some point, so I thought that if we found the time to spare maybe we could look into this? I'd really like to be there to supervise the family's relocation," Miranda said as she met Shepard's eyes.

"I'll set a course for Illium right away. The other two dossiers are there as well, so it makes sense to go there first." Shepard beamed up at her as she stood, not missing a beat.

Miranda jumped to her feet as well.

"So... that's it? I didn't think... I didn't know if you'd be okay with helping. I mean," Miranda stammered, struggling to find the words. "And I'm not insinuating you're unkind or anything-"

"Miranda," Shepard interrupted, smiling softly. "Even if we didn't already have business to do in Illium, we'd still go there. I'm happy to do this for you. "

Miranda just looked at her surprised.

"It's what friends do for each other," Shepard said, as if she were explaining to her that two plus two equals four.

The Cerberus Officer wasn't sure how to respond. Relief washed over her, and her legs felt unstable as she stood there. Friends. The word brought a surge of warmth to her. She thought she should express the feeling somehow, her gratitude. She considered patting Shepard on the shoulder, but that would be a little too formal. A hug, she decided. She approached the shorter woman in front of her and brought her arms up around her stiffly, not sure how this would be received by Shepard. She kept some space between their bodies, only connected to the other woman by the upper part of her torso. She stood like that for a few moments, her heart racing as she waited for the Commander to respond. And that's when she felt the laughter bubbling out of the woman. Inhibited. Loud. Laughter. Miranda felt heat rush to her cheeks as she pushed off her.

"Honestly, Lawson! Jesus...," said Shepard as she pulled her back into the hug, stifling her laughter.

Her whole body was into the hug this time. Miranda stiffened for a moment before relaxing into Shepard's arms. She felt hands on her back, gently holding her in place. It was warm. And comfortable. And funnily enough, Miranda felt the safest she'd felt in a long time. She raised her own arms and wrapped them around Shepard, allowing herself to enjoy the moment. The commander started rubbing little circles on her back after a while, and Miranda found herself tightening the grip in response, sighing.

Shepard pulled back after a while. With her hands still on Miranda's arms, she reassured her. "I'll set a course to Illium. We'll get it done as soon as we arrive."

She made to leave but turned on her heels back at Miranda before exiting.

"Who should we take along?"

Miranda blanched. "Oh..." She paused before smirking. "Would it be strange if I told you I felt oddly comfortable letting a thief in on something this personal?"

Shepard gave her a smile of her own. "I'll let her know. Goodnight, Miranda."

"Goodnight."

As Miranda crawled into bed exhausted, she caught herself wrapping her own arms around her frame underneath the covers, her mind whirring before sleep took her. Fool. You shouldn't get attached.


	4. Chapter 4

They approached the lift in silence. Kasumi and Shepard trailed behind Miranda, exchanging concerned looks as the Cerberus Officer walked in a daze. Her shoulders sagged and her heels lacked the confident clacking that usually accompanied them.

The events so far had been taking their toll on Miranda. The fighting she could handle; She was a seasoned Officer. She moved gracefully through the battlefield, using everything around her to her advantage. But things had turned painfully personal as Niket's betrayal came to light. Shepard had struggled to find the words to comfort her after the shootout. What can you say to someone as they look into the dead eyes of an old friend?

"I can't believe Niket sold me out... I didn't even see it coming." Miranda's voice was just above a whisper as they entered the lift. She kept her back to them, her eyes downcast.

Shepard stepped forward, her voice gentle. "Miranda... Honey, you couldn't have known."

She turned back at that, hurt and anger etched in her features. Her fists balled up at her sides. "I screwed up, Shepard! I let it get personal and look what happened." Her voice fell back into whisper, her face contorting in pain. "Niket...You should have let me kill him. To watch him get gunned down like that..." She pinched the bridge of her nose and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the image from her mind.

"You still cared for him...I couldn't let you do it," said Shepard. Words were failing her. She was better with touch. It was her language. Small touches were the way she best knew how to speak, how to show support. She raised a hand to reach for Miranda, but she wouldn't allow it.

She moved away and raised her eyes to Shepard. "I did. And my father knew it. My father saw that weakness and he used it against me." She spat the words out. "I threw away everything he ever gave me when I ran... except for Niket."

"Miranda...," Kasumi started. She fumbled with her hands, face hidden. Every so often she would look up and Miranda would see the familiar glint of her eyes from the darkness underneath the hood. "You can't just... throw everything away when you start a new chapter in your life. You can try, of course, but you shouldn't blame yourself for the little things that... will inevitably come creeping back. Sometimes that's a memory, and sometimes... that's a person. Trust me, I know." She smiled a sad little smile.

Miranda turned away, tears pricking at her eyes. She had to be strong. This would soon be over. When she found herself alone in the privacy of her quarters, then would she allow herself the time to grieve. She needed to see to Oriana's safety first. When Kasumi rested a hand gently on her shoulder, Miranda covered it with one of her own.

The lift pinged, announcing it had reached its destination, and the doors whooshed open into the unfamiliar floor of the Shuttle Bay. The cold lighting bounced off every surface. It was overwhelming. She shivered.

Miranda felt Shepard approach her. Her commander joined her flank, leaning slightly into her. She felt her hand finding her own, and she felt the little squeeze. It was gone as soon as she felt it but the shoulder remained. In the small gestures the others were extending to her she found strength. She would not fall apart here.

"It's okay, Shepard. My father hurt me, but he didn't break me." Miranda gave her a half-hearted smirk. "Let's go."

The three reached for their weapons and exited the lift.

\-------------------------

There were no more mercs. They stuck around for a while, as per Miranda's request, watching Oriana's family from a distance. Shepard watched as Miranda kept returning her wistful gaze to her sister. The Cerberus Officer tried to look uninterested at first, brushing her hair behind her ear and checking her omnitool for updates multiple times, but every time her gaze returned to her sister it lingered a little longer. It didn't take long for the younger sibling to have her sister's undivided attention.

Miranda grew restless. "She's safe now. She's with her family. We should go."

Shepard blinked. "After all that? Don't you want to say hello?"

"It's not about what I want, Shepard. It's about what's right for her." She frowned at her Commander. "She's safe now, and with her family. If I were to get involved... Things would just get complicated. I'd complicate things for her..."

Shepard looked deep in thought for a moment. Then she raised her eyes back to Miranda. "I don't know... Does she need any details? It's just... If I had a sister like you? I would want to know." She smiled brightly at her, grinning at the surprised expression in her friend's face.

"I...I guess a hello would be okay..." Miranda swallowed as her gaze returned to her sister. Hope crossed her features as she entertained the idea.

"Go on. We'll wait here." Shepard gave her a gentle push, smiling softly.

Shepard watched Miranda walk towards her sister. There was an unfamiliar excitement and joy to the way she walked, but there was also uncertainty. As Oriana caught sight of the approaching woman, Shepard saw her friend visibly falter. Oriana took a few steps to meet Miranda in her tracks. While her parents looked shocked at the news, Oriana seemed to adapt well to the revelation.

Shepard turned away to give the family some privacy and came face to face with Kasumi, who had also been watching the scene with a smile. She had an arm folded in front on her and was rubbing her chin with her free hand.

"Miranda... she's not as cold as she leads people to believe," Kasumi murmured, never taking her eyes off the family. "I'm happy things turned out well for her and her sister."

"Yeah," Shepard agreed.

She allowed her eyes to wander back to Miranda once more. Oriana was now excitedly talking to her sister, arms gesturing wildly. Her parents stood to the side, looking curious but maintaining a certain distance. Miranda simply looked... relaxed. She looked happy. Shepard felt a smile reaching her lips once more, warmth flooding through her at the sight.

"Damn, Shep. You got it bad," said Kasumi.

"Yeah," Shepard answered without thinking, the goofy smile still plastered on her face.

Once she realised what she'd just admitted, her face dropped and she looked at her companion. Kasumi simply returned the look with a shit-eating grin. The thief chuckled to herself before cloaking away from sight, leaving the red-faced Spectre standing there alone.

Miranda returned to them as the announcements for the departing shuttle sounded. She was having a hard time concealing the smile as she walked, stealing glances back every so often. Neither of them said anything, simply joining a teary-eyed Miranda as she entered the lift.

As the doors closed, Shepard and Kasumi both approached her from either side. They leaned against her, grinning at her and bumping her gently with their sides. She chuckled at their antics, trying hard and failing to hide her smile.

\-------------------------

Miranda sat in her Office, draped across the recliner facing the window after the exhausting day. So much had happened. Simultaneous waves of grief, happiness and relief travelled through her, threatening to leave her body in the form of tears. A thick knot rose in her throat.

EDI's voice made her jump in place. "Operative Lawson, Shepard is outside your door. She is requesting your permission to enter."

Shepard. Miranda took a moment to calm herself. She subdued her emotions, closing her eyes and taking deep breaths. Once she felt calmer she addressed EDI. "Tell her to come in."

Shepard did so a moment later.

"Hey. The door was unlocked but I didn't know if..." Shepard stopped abruptly upon seeing Miranda straightening herself out in her seat, her back still to her. Her voice became softer. "Would you like to be alone?"

Miranda was conflicted. She didn't want Shepard to see her in a moment of weakness, but she found herself thinking back to the hug just the night before. She longed for that comfort again. She fought an inner battle with herself, years of self-reliance making her too proud. Too careful. She knew Shepard would leave upon her request, but she longed to reach out. She had already bared so much of herself that day, would revealing more really make that much of a difference?

"Stay?" Her voice was just a whisper, but it had the intended result. She heard Shepard walk into the room. She didn't approach her at first, simply choosing to stand behind her. Neither spoke for a while. Miranda broke the silence. "Shepard, thank you."

Miranda risked a glance at her Commander. She was standing close to her, leaning against the side of her desk. The Cerberus Officer met her eyes and gave her a smile.

She continued. "I'm glad Niket tried to redeem himself... for what good it did. Thank you for stopping me, Commander."

"Of course," said Shepard. She took a step closer. "You two had history. You had a soft spot for him."

"I didn't have a lot of things that I earned of my own accord growing up, friends included. Niket was all my own. He liked me for me, and not because my father had him in his plans. He was my one true friend. And he was... a reminder of a more innocent time, I suppose."

Shepard rested her hands on Miranda's shoulders when she reached her. She had turned back to the window once more but leaned into the touch. Encouraged, Shepard raised a hand higher, burying her fingers into the soft hair. Miranda sighed.

"At least Oriana is safe now. She has a family. And she has freedom."

"And she knows she has a sister who loves her," Shepard added. She felt Miranda's head turn underneath her fingers. Their eyes met and Shepard moved her hand to tuck some hair behind Miranda's ear.

"She does," said Miranda. "I never thought I'd get to talk to her in person. She's as smart as I am."

Shepard continue to brush her hair softly with her fingers. Miranda didn't mind. She found she welcomed the contact. It was intimate. And safe.

"Shepard, she's..." She chuckled. "She's funny. Wants to work in colony development. Told a joke about it. She plays the violin. Loves the adagio movement of Nielsen's Fifth. Just like I do..."

"I'm glad things turned out okay for her."

"They did." Miranda grabbed the hand Shepard had in her hair, wrapping it in her own. She regretted it almost immediately. She missed the caresses already, but she had to draw the line there. She was getting too close. "I won't forget this, Shepard. My sister is safe again, thanks in large part to you."

Shepard simply smiled at her. Her face fell. "Oh!"

Miranda looked confused as her Commander released her hand and walked over to the desk. She saw the object of Shepard's concern - a tray filled with cupcakes and a couple of mugs. She fussed over one of them, raising it to her lips and sipping.

"Ah, still hot," she said in triumph. She placed it back on the tray and picked it up. "I was baking and thought you might like to try them. I also brought tea."

Miranda forced herself to hide her amusement as Shepard made her way towards her. "Shepard... is food your answer to everything?"

"Hey, now...These treats are a privilege." Shepard placed the tray on her lap as she continued. "Only the most honoured of people are even witness to their existence. " Miranda felt a shy smile spread across her face. "Only a select few get to experience Commander Shepard's legendary, delectable raspberry and white chocolate cupcakes."

The two shared a knowing look before bursting into laughter together. Shepard lowered herself and sat on her knees in front of Miranda. As Shepard grabbed her own mug and a cupcake, Miranda extended one of her legs and rested it against Shepard's, prolonging the contact. If Shepard noticed the gesture, she didn't say anything.

"To Oriana," said Shepard, raising her cupcake into the air.

Miranda indulged her, raising a cupcake of her own, feeling the words pass her lips automatically. "To Oriana."


	5. Chapter 5

Miranda hadn't left the Normandy much since seeing to her sister's relocation. She was glad to let Shepard work out squad combinations and the missions, leaving her to concentrate on her reports. Miranda found herself alone during most of their stay in Illium. She welcomed the change of pace; she was still working through what had happened with Niket. The straightforward demands of the reports she was entrusted with helped her process the events. It was a little quiet with Shepard not around her as much though. Although she told herself it was none of her business and that she had better things to do with her time, she couldn't help but eavesdrop Shepard's conversations with the rest of the crew whenever she found herself in the same room, lingering as much as she dared without arousing suspicion.

Shepard took Garrus and Tali when she finally went to see Liara. She had put the visit off when they first docked, even though the asari had paid all their fees. She chose to help Miranda first, knowing time was of the essence. The gesture had not been lost on the Cerberus Officer. The reports collected for the Lazarus project had all identified Liara T'Soni as a close friend and confidante of Shepard's; no doubt her Commander had been looking forward to see her again. Shepard all but skipped as she left the Normandy with Garrus and Tali at her heels, the three chatting away excitedly.

They returned later than Miranda had expected. And quieter. She had also not expected an assassin with them. Thane Krios introduced himself to them in the Comm Room. He was polite, professional and somewhat detached. From first impressions alone, Miranda liked him. Jacob did not.

Miranda had a soft spot for Jacob that transcended their previous relationship, but that affection was not enough to stop the irritation she felt every time she witnessed his short-sightedness. He always seemed to lose sight of the bigger picture, focusing instead on the little details. Perhaps that was one of the reasons she had trusted him for all those years as her head of security. Jacob was a good man.

As Thane left the Comm Room, Jacob followed, muttering to himself closely behind. Miranda allowed herself to really take Shepard in. She was far more subdued than when she'd left that morning, something she felt was not entirely due to fatigue. Shepard turned to her and gave her a tired smile as she accompanied her to the lift.

"I'm going to go look for the Justicar tomorrow. We found some leads on her whereabouts," said Shepard. She was stretching her shoulders, her voice nonchalant. "An asari officer helped us out. She was pretty nice. I think I'll take Mordin and Thane with me. Mordin has been spending way too much time in his lab. Perhaps he'd like to stretch his legs, so to speak..."

Miranda furrowed her brows. Shepard wasn't one to talk so indirectly; she held your gaze, made her intentions clear from the start. That's not to say that she didn't like chit-chat, but this? Shepard didn't _babble_. Shepard didn't _narrate_ her thoughts. At that moment, Shepard seemed to simply be filling the space between them with white noise. Something had happened on Illium.

Miranda picked her words carefully. "How was Illium, Shepard? Did you... talk to Liara?

At the sound of the name, Shepard stiffened visibly. She opened and closed her mouth several times, as if tasting different words, getting a feel for them. She said nothing

"Shepard..." Miranda paused. "Sue...?"

Shepard turned at that. Their eyes met. She seemed surprised. One of the corners of her mouth raised. Then the other. Eyes twinkled. Miranda found herself facing a grinning Commander Shepard and the sight invited that all-too-familiar flurry in her stomach.

The playful tone was back in her voice. "Illium was great, _Miri._ "

Miranda froze.

"Very beautiful. With just a hint of bullshit and back-stabbing in the air." She chuckled. The doors of the lift opened and she skipped out. "Well, this is my stop." Her eyes softened. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, Miri. Goodnight."

Before Miranda could find the words to reply the doors had already closed between them. She stood there for a moment, then smiled to herself and pressed the button to her deck.

\-------------------------

Shepard had invited her personally to accompany her during a last-minute shopping trip. Miranda had considered declining the offer, but found herself charmed into leaving her quarters by a pouting Shepard. They were looking for upgrades, but that didn't stop Shepard from checking every stall for fish. Miranda offered her half-hearted glares, but she didn't have it in her to discourage Shepard from buying the fish. Her mood had certainly improved since the last few days. She had her face pushed up against the glass of the aquariums that lined the wall of the establishment. The shop keeper narrowed her eyes at her from the till, no doubt silently exorcising Shepard from the place.

Their wallets were lighter on the trip back to the Normandy. The weapon upgrades and research resources had been sent back to the ship already, but the fish had to be carried by hand. Shepard had insisted the fish would "get lonely" if they only took a couple, so Miranda found herself helping her take back a handful of bags of different fish of all colours and sizes. She decided right there and then that Shepard was an overgrown child. Their shoulders touched as they made their way through the crowded streets of Illium.

Justicar Samara had settled well on the ship. Miranda had yet to meet her, but it seemed as if she had made an impression on everyone. Whispers travelled across the decks of the ship. The words "regal" and "intimidating" had echoed multiple times.

Miranda had grown rather fond of some of the recruits aboard the Normandy. She had a great deal of affection for Kasumi. She wasn't sure why she even trusted the thief, but a smile graced her lips every time she heard news of her latest mischief. She had already been subject to it herself. She hadn't caught on at first; she thought that maybe she had been working too hard, or had moved things with her elbows as she worked. But soon enough she noticed that her work surface kept being moved slightly to the right every time she wasn't looking. She knew this because she had perfect memory. Something was definitely up. She finally caught Kasumi red-handed, decloaking her and shooing her out of her office with a datapad flying in her general direction.

Garrus was always polite. The two were in amicable terms, making conversation at meals times and reporting to one another personally when needing to discuss or enquire something about the mission. Even Tali, as distrustful as she was of Cerberus, was willing to meet Miranda halfway to keep the peace. They made sure to stay clear of Cerberus as a conversation topic, choosing instead to tease Shepard for her bad decisions and status as a magnet for trouble.

She dropped by the armoury for short chats with Jacob. The two didn't speak much, but Miranda found his presence soothing. More often than not, her visits ended up with her venting to him about whatever incompetent crew member was slacking off that day, as he grinned to himself and cleaned the guns. He brought stability to the mission. She'd allowed herself to rely on him where the job was concerned, and she found she enjoyed sharing the responsibilities. She trusted him. He was a friend. Her oldest living friend now that Niket was no more.

On slow evenings, when everyone was shut away in their own little corner of the ship and Shepard seemed to be tucked away in her cabin, on days when Miranda found work hard to focus on, she took walks around the ship. She often ended up poking a head into the medbay, knowing the good doctor was always up for a visit that didn't involve a checkup. They shared a glass of Serrice Ice Brandy in those occasions. Miranda leaned back on her seat and really let her guard down and smiled at Doctor Chakwas' laugh as she recounted the adventures aboard the old SR-1.

She kept an eye on Grunt's activities. She told herself it was half because she was distrustful of the tank-bred, and half because she was curious. In reality she often wondered just how different they could truly be with such similar origins. Not that she'd ever allow herself to admit it, of course. She watched security footage of Grunt as he listened to old audio books of Hemmingway novels, his figure uncharacteristically still as he listened intently. She would almost describe the way he tucked himself into a little nest as "snuggling", though she knew that word and "krogan" could never coexist in a sentence. She smiled with genuine affection at his extranet searches, choosing to help him out and correct spellings whenever he briefly glanced away from his screen. Dinosaurs.

She found she enjoyed the small moments with the new recruits, but she felt she would never quite be able to hit it off with Jack. Subject Zero. Jack was wrath personified. A tightly-wound string ready to lash out at any hint of provocation. Jack was anger. Darting eyes that locked on prey. Power. Jack was unpredictable. A threat. Miranda would not make the mistake of trusting her. Jack was living proof of things she was not yet ready to face.

Except that she didn't really have a choice. She didn't know if it was a jab at her, but Miranda was flabbergast when Shepard dropped by her office to tell her to suit up. Jack had asked for her to come on her mission to blow up an abandoned Cerberus base. You know, even though Jack never really "asked" for anything. She only wants to get a rise out of you, she recited to herself as they made their way through the destroyed base, as they crossed the corridor lined with the tiny, cramped cells where they kept the children. Jack isn't right, she recited as they crossed what used to be a morgue, as the image of the tiny gurneys was seared into the back of her eyelids.

Miranda's thoughts kept returning to the Teltin facility long after they left. The explosion wasn't enough to erase the horrors she'd seen there. The overgrowth lent an air of unfamiliarity to the place, an element of fiction, but she now knew exactly what had happened in that place. She couldn't reconcile what she'd seen there with the image of Cerberus she had grown to idolise. It wasn't the same thing. It couldn't be.

Her thoughts travelled between the Teltin facility and the plate of food she had in front of her like a pendulum. She felt disconnected from the environment around her. Garrus' voice was distorted as he spoke to her from across the table, as if she was submerged in water. She made non-committal sounds from her end, nodding her head every so often. Her hands shook slightly as she raised the fork to her mouth once more. The lights above the mess hall were too bright. Too garish. The subtle tilt of Tali's headpiece told her that she knew something was different about the Cerberus Officer. The quarian and turian exchanged concerned looks. Miranda needed to get away. She needed time to think. She needed to be the furthest away possible from Jack.

The same Jack that was currently sauntering into the same mess she was in. _Fuck._

She felt Jack's eyes boring into her, although she did not look up to see. Determined not to show weakness, Miranda forced herself to eat at a leisurely pace. She was not going to give the convict the satisfaction of scurrying away like a coward. She raised her eyes nonchalantly and found Jack's. She refused to look away immediately. She was not afraid of her. It was a mistake. Jack practically sprung up from her place as their eyes lingered, spurred into an anxious pacing on the spot. Her shoulders hunched over, not unlike a cat making itself look larger. To intimidate. Miranda felt a surge of adrenaline flow through her in a flurry and looked down to see only a few bites of food were left on her plate. She exhaled in relief, picking up her tray and muttering goodbyes to Tali and Garrus as she got up. From the other side of the room, Jack dashed in her direction as she dropped her tray on the counter.

"You're not going to say anything, Cheerleader?" Jack's voice was cold. And quiet.

Miranda said nothing. The mess hall had gone deathly silent.

"You can't avoid me forever, bitch."

Miranda knew she shouldn't rise to the bait. _Just pretend this changes nothing._ But not responding would be uncharacteristic of her. _Right?_

"Avoidance would mean that we had some sort of rapport to begin with." Miranda's voice was clipped as she scrapped the scraps of her food into the bin.

"Just admit it. It fucking bothers you that I blew up Teltin!"

Miranda finished what she was doing before she turned around to face Jack. "Why should it when it wasn't Cerberus, Subject Zero?" She didn't give her time to react, turning on her heels and practically running to her quarters. She could hear footsteps behind her. Following her.

What followed was a mess. A barrage of insults and feints were thrown from both sides. Miranda felt the control slip from her hands. Words she didn't know she was capable of uttering left her mouth. It was like she was a bystander to her own body. To her own anger. To her own insecurities. Biotics crackled around the two women inside the office, tempers rising dangerously. Furniture and threats were thrown, coming to an abrupt end as the doors opened.

Shepard walked in with a bewildered expressing plastered on her face. She looked between the two of them, Jack close to cornering Miranda against a wall. Worry flashed across her features, then confusion and anger.

"What the hell is going on in here? Stand down! Both of you!"

"The Cheerleader won't admit what Cerberus did to me was wrong!" Jack's voice was low and menacing as she closed in on Miranda once more.

"It wasn't Cerberus. Not Really." Miranda refused to back down. "But clearly you were a mistake..."

Miranda caught the shocked expression on the Commander's face following her words. The expression turned to disappointment, sinking the stomach of the Cerberus Officer further amidst the storm. She felt the bile rising in her throat. Things weren't meant to escalate like this. She barely registered the words that came out of Jack's mouth next. All her attention was on Shepard, who inserted herself between the two of them, attempting to diffuse the situation.

"Our mission is too important to let personal feelings get in the way."

"Fuck your feelings! I want her dead."

The following exchange between Jack and Shepard led to the convict leaving the cabin. It was just Miranda and Shepard now.

"It's a good thing you came by when you did Shepard," she started, moving around her desk to take her usual seat.

"Lawson, what the hell?" She slammed her hands down on her side of the desk and leaned forward. The bewilderment was back in her voice and expression. "How could you say that to her?"

"It's the truth Shepard!" She jumped to her own feet. Her voice was shaky. "She's dangerous and unpredictable. And Cerberus wasn't responsible. She needs to let that go."

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to take long deep breaths. When she opened them again, the anger was gone. Only disappointment and pain were left in the shadows in her face.

Her voice was soft. "Miranda. Does it really matter whether Cerberus was involved or not - don't answer yet! Just listen," she said quickly as Miranda had began to interrupt. "You have someone aboard this ship who believes she has been hurt deeply by same the company who has stamped their logo over every inch of this ship. The people responsible for her pain, for years of torture and abuse, they reported to Cerberus at some point." She sighed. "And your biggest concern is to correct her? To make sure she knows she's wrong?"

Shepard held her gaze as Miranda struggled to keep eye contact. She found it hard to breathe at that point. Shame washed through her as she stood there.

"Shepard what do you want from me," she whispered.

"I just... I know you, Miri. You're not cruel. I just don't understand why you insist on this."

After a moment of silence, Shepard began to leave, shoulders dropped.

"Maybe don't know me as well as you thought you did." Miranda's sneer brought an edge to her voice, but it did nothing for her stinging eyes.

As the doors closed behind Shepard, biotics enveloped Miranda's body as she shrieked. She shook in anger and shame and pain as she threw the same chair Jack had thrown just moments before. She threw it against the walls and against the doors before exhaustion consumed her and she sank into the seat behind her. She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to reign her emotions in but her body betrayed her. Tears fell.


	6. Chapter 6

Miranda sat at her desk. She tried to read the same paragraph her eyes had been swimming around in for the past half hour. Unsuccessful once more, she leaned back on her chair with a sigh. She rolled her shoulders in an attempt to loosen the tension, her tired eyes still squinting at the glaring screen.

Her eyes moved past the display in front of her to the door of her office. Shepard hadn't dropped by since her fight with Jack. In fact, it seemed as if the whole ship was staying clear of the offending women since the fight only days earlier. In the brief trips she made outside her quarters, she was met with uncharacteristic silence from the crew and blatant avoidance of eye contact. The crew was treating her like some sort of ticking time bomb. She wasn't by any means popular before, but the weeks living in close proximity with these people had led them to develop a sort of professional camaraderie in place of the intimidation she seemed to instil in people upon the first meeting. Miranda was surprised to find she missed the brief salutes people sent her way as they saw her. She missed the polite smiles and nods. She wondered if it was really the fight that had incited the avoidance. Had her sour mood led her to scowl during her trips outside her room? She wondered if her sound-proof walls weren't as sound-proof as she had been led to believe. A surge of heat flooded the back of her neck and her cheeks at the memory of her outburst.

Knowing she wouldn't get much work done in her current state of mind, Miranda left her room. She walked with purpose towards her favourite part of the ship, Starboard Observation. She hadn't done so in weeks, but nothing filled Miranda with more peace than meditating in the emptiness of that room, staring into the vastness of space through the large window that exposed the contents of that part of the ship to the outside world. She wished larger windows had been installed in her own quarters; Starboard Observation was open to everyone and interruptions were frequent.

As the large doors parted to reveal the room, Miranda sighed in contentment, only to stiffen at the sight of the figure where she usually sat herself.

Samara. Of course. She couldn't believe she had forgotten.

She was at a loss of what to do. Should she leave before the Justicar noticed? She seemed deep in meditation, and would no doubt prefer to be left alone. Besides, Miranda wasn't sure she wanted company. She came here to clear her head.

"Miranda. I don't believe we had the pleasure of meeting yet." Samara's voice was soft, but there was strength to it too.

"Justicar Samara," Miranda began. She wasn't sure what to say. The asari had yet to face her, but the Cerberus Officer knew she was being scrutinised through the feel of her biotics alone. She suddenly felt very vulnerable. After a moment, Samara spoke again.

"Why don't you join me, Miranda?" Although they were framed like a question, Samara's words had no doubts to them. There was a sense of finality to each sentence.

Miranda found herself unable to decline. Stepping into the room, she approached the asari as the doors closed behind them. She hesitated only for a moment before sitting down herself, folding her legs in front of her.

"What brings you here, Miranda? Is there something you wish to speak with me about?" Samara's eyes were closed, and a faint current of biotics still engulfed her form. Miranda allowed herself to mimic her.

"I... I often come here to meditate by myself. Things have been a little hectic of late and I forgot these were your quarters now. I apologise for just barging in."

"No apologies needed," Said Samara. Miranda could hear the smile in her voice. "The life of a Justicar is a solitary one. I don't often get to chat with anyone. This is a welcome change."

"You've spent so long travelling from one place to another. Don't you feel... trapped... about travelling aboard the Normandy for the next few months?" _If we even survive, that is._

"On the contrary - there is so much aboard this ship. So many different people. The backdrop may often be the same, but there is still a lot here to experience. So much to learn about."

Miranda smiled to herself. "That's certainly a way of looking at it. I'm glad you have no qualms about working with Cerberus." Miranda's biotics faltered slightly as the name left her lips. It left a sour taste in her mouth.

Samara didn't miss a beat. "I work for Shepard, Miranda."

"Of course," Miranda said softly. She opened her eyes. She stared ahead at the stars in front of them. It wasn't enough to bury the unease she was feeling. Her anxiety simply fuelled it.

"It was a brave thing Jack did. Facing your fears. Fighting the nightmares that haunt your existence. It is not an easy thing to do."

Miranda remained silent, her eyes still searching the stars for the comfort she needed. She made a soft non-committal sound in the back of her throat. A light touch on her forearm urged her to turn back to the asari. Samara was smiling gently at her. Their eyes met.

"It's always best to follow through and find closure. Even if the path there may prove... difficult."

The asari's gaze turned sorrowful and she seemed to withdraw into herself slightly, but the meaning of her words was not lost on Miranda. She stared into her own lap, hands clenching in both frustration and determination. Samara's voice brought her back.

"Would you join me, Miranda?" Biotics enveloped the asari once more, levitating her a few inches above the floor.

"Yes."

\-------------------------

"EDI, please tell Jack I request her presence in my office."

She had been stewing in her own thoughts for days. Miranda had finally built up the courage to follow through with her plans. In her own turf. She fussed with her clammy hands as she awaited a response from the AI. She had no idea how this was going to play out, and the lack of knowledge in this field sent her into an anxious mess. The voice of the AI made her jump in place as it rang through her cabin.

"Operative Lawson, Jack has requested me to tell you to insert your datapad into-"

"Okay, EDI! I get the picture," Miranda said in exasperation.

"Logging you out."

She fidgeted with her outfit as she pondered her options. She really wanted to do this here. It was the only way to ensure any control over the situation, minimal as it would be. She moved in front of her mirror to check her reflection. After making sure she looked as composed as she could she took a deep breath and left her room.

It took her several tries to even get as far as the lift. At first she turned on her heels and pretended she just wanted something to eat, nodding at Gardner as she reached for a mug from the cupboard. The second time she walked past the mess hall but chickened out, rushing back to her quarters without being seen. Several minutes of pacing in her room were followed by another attempt, which she sabotaged by walking past the lift and straight into the women's bathroom. There she washed her face. Leaning over the sink she pep-talked herself into leaving, forcing herself to wait for the doors of the lift to open without bolting back to her room.

"EDI. Engineering."

The doors had barely closed when she blurted out. "No! Take me up to the CIC instead." She cursed herself as she felt the lift rising instead of descending. Next time for sure. She took a deep breath as the doors opened and she stepped into the deck. Brown eyes met blue.

Miranda found herself face to face with her Commander. The two women looked surprised, both stunned in front of the lift.

"Miri," Shepard began. Miranda could have sobbed with relief right there. Shepard wasn't angry with her. "Did you need something?"

Miranda reigned in her emotions. She needed to do something first. "No, I'm actually here to talk to Jacob," she fibbed.

"Oh." Shepard looked almost disappointed. Miranda could see the faint traces of the familiar pout on her face. She bit back a smile. She missed her so much.

Miranda nodded at Shepard as she made her way around her and towards the armoury. Inside, Jacob looked up expectantly at her. She simply remained at the entrance, resting her weight on one foot and crossing her arms, not making eye contact. She needed to waste enough time in the armoury to make it convincing. From his side of the room, Jacob furrowed his eyebrows. He gave her a look of I-know-you-well-enough-not-to-ask and went back to work.

The ride down to engineering was nerve-racking. She felt her limbs trembling as she stepped out into the deck, but it subsided as she walked with purpose through the doors and down the stairs. She paused at the base, not daring to enter right away.

She called out. "Jack?"

There was no answer. A second and third prompt produced no response. She straightened her back as she braved Jack's hidey-hole. She stopped as soon as she caught sight of her.

She was sitting at the back of her corridor, her profile silhouetted against red. She couldn't detect any outright hostility from the younger woman, but Miranda knew that anger was bubbling just beneath the surface of her facade. As much as she hated to admit it, Miranda was intimidated. Scared. She didn't dare make the first move.

"The fuck do you want?" Jack practically spat the words out.

Miranda hesitated. She had rehearsed what she wanted to say, but now standing in front of the woman she found she couldn't remember what she'd practiced. She swallowed and cleared her throat, wishing the words would just fall out of her mouth on their own.

Jack jumped from her seat and Miranda stiffened. The convict made her way towards her, back hunched, dark eyes piercing her own as she approached. She got right up in Miranda's face. The Cerberus officer could feel her breath tickling her skin. A shiver ran through her.

"I thought not showing up as you asked was clue enough that I didn't fucking want to look at you," she snarled.

Something snapped inside of Miranda. Maybe it was the adrenaline at being faced with the danger she was currently in, or maybe her brain had finally stopped trying to antagonise her. Miranda found her mind clearer than it had been in days. She knew exactly what she wanted to say. It wasn't going to be easy, but she owed it to this woman and to herself to be honest. She needed to face the truth. She looked straight into Jack's eyes.

"What Cerberus did to you... It wasn't right," she began. Jack's face was stony. "I should have never denied it."

Miranda searched Jack's face for any emotion, but it seemed to remain expressionless." That's all I wanted to say, Jack."

With that, Miranda turned and left.

\-------------------------

The Illusive Man's message about a derelict collector ship rattled the Normandy. He wanted them to board the ship to collect data about the collectors. It was a dangerous mission. The Illusive Man had reported the systems as offline, and little activity was being reported through, but the mission entailed going through the heart of the ship. No-one knew what to expect.

"Miranda, I need you to stay on the ship."

Shepard had just burst through her doors . She was fully dressed in her armour, her helmet in her hands. Miranda had been getting ready herself. Her face dropped in outrage at her commander's words and she stomped towards her.

"I'm coming with you, Shepard!"

"No, Miranda. You're not."

"Shepard-"

"I need someone on the ship I can trust to handle things should... anything happen. I have a bad feeling about this mission."

Miranda was rooted to the spot. Anger and fear and desperation made way to the rational part of her. As much as she didn't like it, Shepard was right. It was her duty as XO. She didn't have to like it, though.

The two stood there for a moment, Shepard searching her eyes. Miranda knew she had to leave immediately. She reached for the helmet. Shepard let her. She raised it above Shepard's head with one hand and brushed the loose curl out of her Commander's eyes before lowering the helmet.

"Be careful. We don't have another four billion credits just lying around."

Her quip had the right response. Shepard's grin disappeared behind the helmet as Miranda clicked it into place. Miranda gave her a smile of her own.

"If you don't come back in one piece I'll have to revoke your baking privileges," she warned. Shepard just chuckled, grabbing onto her hand for a moment before leaving her office.

\-------------------------

The mission seemed to be going without a hitch. The feed coming from the ground team was like something from a nightmare. But all things considered, it was all going rather well. Mordin found evidence of experimentation on human subjects, their bodies left to decay in a grotesque, putrid pile. When EDI ran comparisons on the DNA of a collector body they found, Miranda's blood ran cold. The protheans. Were these the consequences of their failure? Was this the fate of humanity?

Kasumi had soon joined her at the cockpit behind Joker, the three of them watching the same feed. She didn't say anything, but gently rested her weight against Miranda's side. Garrus' one-liners over the feed did nothing to soothe her nerves. In fact, they seemed to only put her more on edge when juxtaposed with the horrific imagery in front of her. All those pods lining the walls of the massive ship. Miranda felt bile rising in her throat. This was the same ship that had killed Shepard two years ago.

Her heart all but stopped when the power surge ran through the Normandy after EDI started mining the database. It was a trap.

She went numb as EDI reported the nature of the reports received from The Illusive man. They were fabricated. The Illusive Man knew this and sent them in anyway. She knew he was capable of doing things like this, but he had never done them to her. It felt like the rug had been pulled from under her feet.

As Shepard fought her way out of the ship, Miranda noted the way she flinched at the sight of the multitude of husks.

\-------------------------

They were summoned into the Communications Room by Shepard. The commander had made a beeline for the room as soon as she boarded, not bothering to change out of her armour first. A trail of bloody footprints and muck marked her trajectory. Mordin and Garrus had waited outside the room while Shepard talked to the Illusive Man, and the corridor had soon filled with the rest of the squadmates, all waiting to be summoned inside.

While they were waiting, Jacob stood beside Miranda. He wouldn't be surprised by the Illusive Man's betrayal. He had never trusted him. He sensed something was wrong with her. Unsure of what to do, he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She nodded at him. I'm fine.

As the doors opened to welcome them inside, Miranda took Shepard in. She looked alien to Miranda. Angry. As the Quantum Entanglement Communicator rose to its resting position, Shepard dropped her helmet on the floor with more force than necessary. She looked almost unhinged, with guts splattered all over her armour and the skin of her cheeks reopened. Miranda caught a flash of red eyes before the Commander squeezed them shut and pinched the bridge of her nose. She was trying to get her emotions in control. With a deep breath, Shepard took in her team.

She seemed calmer as she surveyed them. There was still a faint red to her pupils, and the scars were still there, but she seemed to be more in control.

She revealed the truth to everyone. She wasn't omitting a thing. Murmurs echoed from the more vocal squadmates, other simply listened in silence. There was a consensus of disbelief, the majority of the people present shaking their heads as they heard the news. As she looked around, Miranda saw a couple of them looking at Jacob and her, distrust etched in their features. Jack was not among them.

Shepard dismissed them. Miranda lingered. The commander turned to her, as if to ask what she wanted. With a deep breath, Miranda stepped forward.

"Shepard," she began. "Listen, I... I need you to know... I had nothing to do with this. I didn't know it was a trap." Miranda's eyebrows knitted together as she searched Shepard eyes. She fumbled with her hands as she waited for a response.

Shepard looked clearly taken aback.

"Miranda... I know." Shepard cocked her head to the side as she spoke. She said it as if it were the most obvious thing.

"Oh," said Miranda. She didn't know what to say. She was relieved. A goofy grin started tugging at the corners of her mouth. She tried to bite it back.

"Goodness, are you serious?" Shepard's voice was a whisper. "You actually thought..? Miri, I trust you implicitly." She smiled. "I thought you knew that. The Illusive Man's actions do not reflect on you. They never will."

Shepard laughed as she approached her. She raised one of her hands, looked grossed out for a moment and tried to wipe it on a clean part of her armour. It didn't work. She gave Miranda a sheepish grin before offering her a hand covered in the foulest-smelling muck. The Cerberus officer looked offended, then her features contorted into absolute disgust as she opened her arms and enveloped Shepard in a hug.

"You owe me a new uniform," she mumbled into the armour.

Shepard laughed freely as she wrapped her own arms around Miranda. She buried her head into Miranda's neck and sighed. She grinned at her next words.

"I'm glad you're okay, Sue."

Pulling away from the embrace, Shepard tugged Miranda's head down, and kissed her forehead. Her smiled only widened at Miranda's flustered expression.

"Hm. You got a little something on you, Miss Lawson," she teased, pointing at the massive stains on her previously white attire.

Miranda shot her an exasperated look as Shepard left the room laughing. Miranda almost didn't mind the looks she got from the crew on her way to her quarters.

\-------------------------

She wasn't surprised to see Shepard in the mess that night. She hadn't even waited for EDI to call her. She left her room around the time she usually found Shepard there and watched her from the counter as she beat a mixture in a bowl with a whisk.

"You know, you never actually told me how you got into baking," Miranda started. Shepard didn't look at her, but patted the seat of a chair next to her.

Miranda smiled as she noticed there were two chairs that night. She walked up to the one Shepard was patting and sat down.

"Pass me the eggs?" Shepard said, pointing at the box next to Miranda's arm. She smiled at her as Miranda placed an egg in her palm.

"How many?"

"Four."

There was a pause in the conversation as Miranda passed Shepard the eggs one by one. She grinned as Shepard cracked each one effortlessly, without dropping a single bit of shell into the mixture.

"I'm glad to see you seem to be more graceful at this than in battle," Miranda teased.

"Laugh it up, Lawson. You're not getting any cake when we're done!"

"Ooh? We're baking a cake?" Miranda's voice was playful as she grinned.

"We are."

Shepard started beating the eggs into the sugar and butter mixture. She motioned once more for Miranda to pass her the next ingredient. As she folded the flour in, she spoke once more.

"You know I grew up an orphan, right? In the streets of London?" Miranda nodded. "There were times when food was pretty hard to come by. Being part of a gang meant that you always had a little back up, but sometimes it wasn't enough."

Miranda was silent as she watched Shepard pouring the cake mix into two cake tins.

"Well, I couldn't really see a future for me in that life anymore once I reached the age of seventeen. I started making plans for myself, and I enlisted in the Alliance as soon as I could."

Shepard picked one tin and gestured for Miranda to do the same. They placed the two of them inside the oven and Shepard closed the oven door.

"That fear of hunger? It never really left. I finally was earning my own money and I was determined never to go hungry again. I learned to cook for myself."

As the two sat back at the table, Shepard reached for a second bowl. Miranda passed her the icing sugar. Shepard started mixing.

"And I never did." Shepard smiled. "I've been fortunate enough to never feel that desperate need for food again. That desire to learn turned into more of a hobby and I found baking. It's... relaxing."

Shepard abandoned the mixture and turned to her. "And that's my uplifting story behind my unhealthy obsession with 'sugary treats'." She glanced back at the oven. "We gotta wait now. That's the boring part."

Miranda grinned up at her. Her eyes fell on the open wounds of her cheeks and her expression sobered. She reached up and traced the edges with gentle fingers. At least her eyes had lost the red tinge to them.

"Does it hurt?"

Shepard grabbed her hands and brought them closer to her face. "Nah." She winked at Miranda, who simply scoffed.

Miranda left her hand on Shepard's face long after the other woman had released it. The two maintained eye contact as Miranda brushed her cheek. She let her hand drop to Shepard's lap to grab the hands there as she approached the new topic.

"Shepard, are you all right? Today was... a lot to take in."

Shepard's eyes darkened. "I had that nightmare again tonight. There were... there were so many of those husks aboard that ship, Miri."

Miranda gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"The nightmare was different tonight, though." Shepard turned her face away. "Before, the people running away? I didn't really know them."

"Shepard..."

"Doctor Chakwas was there this time. She was running from me. Kasumi was there as well, and Joker, and Garrus... and you." Shepard's voice choked. "You were all afraid of me. Looking at me like I was a monster."

Miranda dragged her chair closer to the other woman's. "Shepard, you're not a monster. Hey. Shepard, look at me."

She did so and Miranda could see she was holding back tears. She gave in to the urge of enveloping the shorter woman in an embrace. Shepard's head buried itself in her neck once more, but this time it felt different. She was seeking solace. Miranda thought back to that first hug and how safe she had felt in Shepard's arms. She replicated what Shepard had done for her then, caressing her back and remaining close. Miranda brought one of her hands to the nape of her neck, gently brushing it with her fingers. She felt goose bumps form underneath them. They stayed like that for a long time.

When Shepard pulled back, she did so slowly, brushing her eyes. She let out a shuddering breath. "Sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," said Miranda. She offered her a smile. "And I meant what I said the first time we had this conversation - you're not a monster. You're human. And you're alive, Shepard."

"I know that. Thinking about it, I know it. But sometimes I can't _feel_ it. Especially after the nightmares. Does that make sense?" Shepard looked tired.

"Yes."

Shepard sighed. "Damn. Sorry about the waterworks." She chuckled. "I'm sorry, I've been hogging the whole conversation. We haven't really talked lately. I've missed you. How have you been, Miri?"

"I've been fine... I... uh... I went to see Jack the other day." Shepard's expression of genuine shock was comical. Miranda laughed. "It's okay, Shepard! We're both alive!" She raised her hands as if to calm her down. Shepard seemed genuinely curious.

"I realised I was... wrong," Miranda said solemnly, cursing the way her cheeks flushed crimson at the admission. "Well, I think I always knew it, but I was too... afraid... of admitting it."

Miranda raised her eyes to Shepard's. There were no expectations there, just acceptance.

"I owe a lot to Cerberus, Shepard. I have spent over half of my life working for The Illusive Man." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "They still have a lot hanging over me. A lot of which depends on my co-operation. I'm not stupid; I understand this."

Shepard's eyes hardened at that. Miranda realised she misunderstood.

"Don't get me wrong, Shepard. I still believe in Cerberus and what we stand for. I just... I don't think I can condone some of its methods anymore. And after today..." Miranda furrowed her eyebrows.

There was a silent agreement between the two of them. They locked eyes, neither of them speaking. Before she could quite understand what was happening they were both leaning forward, eyes half-lidded.

Until a loud ringing from the oven made them both jump in their seats.

"The cake!" Shepard exclaimed, jumping to her feet. A faint blush covered her cheeks.

With a small feeling of disappointment nagging at the back of her mind, Miranda followed her to the wailing appliance. The cake looked great - a warm golden that was fluffy to the touch. They took a deep breath, appreciating the fragrance.

"So, would you like the first slice?" Shepard was smiling devilishly at her.

Miranda tried to look unimpressed, but a grin betrayed her lips. "Shepard, I don't really do a lot of baking, but I'm sure we're not meant to eat the cake before it cools."

"Nonsense," said Shepard, reaching for a large knife. "Who's the pro here?"


	7. Chapter 7

"What do you mean, it's my fault?" Shepard whined as she looked at her XO from beneath furrowing brows.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Miranda's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "I forgot it's been me insisting on scanning every planet we come across all this time!"

"But... the resources..."

"Shepard, we have no use for more resources. We have upgraded everything we can." Miranda tried to keep the exasperation from her voice. "Why don't you tell me the real reason you're making me stay up late to file unnecessary reports?"

Shepard allowed her chin to drop to her chest as she leaned back on the seat she was currently occupying. She was sat cross-legged across from Miranda, a desk between them as the Cerberus Officer occasionally typed some more into the terminal in front of her. Periodically, Miranda would raise her hand to soothe her sore neck.

Miranda's voice lost its edge and her features softened as she took in the smaller woman in front of her. There was something truly miserable about the sight of her Commander at that moment. It reminded her of a small child who had dropped their ice cream cone, or perhaps even of a puppy who had just been kicked. Clearly there was more to this subject that she was willing to tell. Perhaps some gentle nudging would give her the answers she needed. And those restful nights she had been missing out on lately.

"These past few months we've assembled an incredible team, Shepard. We have truly outdone ourselves. You've even ensured they're not leaving any regrets behind when we go through the Omega-4 Relay." Miranda waited for Shepard to say anything. She remained silent, avoiding eye contact. "Why are you putting off retrieving the Reaper IFF?"

Shepard sighed. Her eyes finally met Miranda's."When we... when we finally dock aboard that reaper and tell EDI to install the IFF... There's no going back after that, is there?"

Mirada's features relaxed in understanding. Was that what this was? Apprehension. Nerves. Fear. She was getting cold feet? A wave of sympathy surged through her. She had wondered when Shepard might manifest some kind of rebellion or protest about the mission. No-one went through the kind of pressure Shepard was currently being put through without cracking in some way. She had been so compliant, so efficient, up until now. Miranda was surprised it had taken her this long to act out.

"Shepard, are you scared?"

"Yes." Her voice was barely a whisper.

As Miranda looked at her Commanding Officer she was reminded of how small and fragile she looked a few months ago, sitting in the mess eating biscuits in the middle of the night-cycle. The Shepard now sitting in front of her evoked similar feelings of concern from her, but this time they were far more complex. This time they were accompanied by fierce protectiveness and affection. She couldn't have known back then that she would have grown to care for this woman the way she had. Miranda slowly reached across the desk with a hand, palm upwards. When Shepard placed her own upon hers, she gave it a gentle squeeze.

"It's normal to be afraid, Shepard. In fact, if you weren't, I'd very worried I did something wrong when I brought you back." Miranda offered her a small smile. "We selected you because you're the best. If anyone can succeed with these odds it's you."

"I'm worried about the people we might lose."

The older woman said nothing at that. She understood Shepard's fears, and she herself had grown fond of some of the strange characters they had recruited for the mission. But as much as the idea of the deaths of those people left a sour taste in her mouth, they knew what they had signed on for. This was a suicide mission and the chances of anyone making it out alive were slim. She swallowed down her own anxiety and held Shepard's hand tighter.

Shepard sigh deeply as she leaned forward on her seat. She folded her arms on the desk and rested her chin on them as she looked up at the other woman. "Don't worry. I'll pull it together."

Withdrawing her hand to her side of the desk, Miranda leaned forward on the desk as well, her arms folding underneath her bosom.

"I'm responsible for giving you all this workload," Shepard started. "I feel kind of bad now."

"Good." Miranda's face had the same stony expression she used to tell the crew off, but Shepard could see the humour seeping through the edges.

"Maybe I should make it up to you somehow." A mischievous grin spread across Shepard's face. Miranda narrowed her eyes.

"You mean the same way you tried to make it up to Gardner that one time and ended up flooding the starboard side of the crew's deck?"

Shepard's face fell in outrage as she straightened up. "Hey, that was an accident!"

"Samara didn't speak to you for days," Miranda continued, enjoying other woman's fluster.

"Ugh... rub it in, will you?" Her face scrunched up as she thought back to that moment. "My plan this time is fool-proof! How do you feel about backrubs?"

There was a brief moment when neither of them said anything. Miranda's face remained blank as she stared at Shepard, unwilling to give away her hammering heart.

"What?"

Shepard's expression turned smug. "Yes, I know. I'm a fantastic baker and give incredible backrubs. What can I say? I'm a two-sport athlete."

Miranda stared at her, raising an eyebrow in question. She tried to swallow discreetly.

"I understand. It's hard to believe someone could be this perfect," Shepard drawled. "First human spectre, a great sniper, devilishly handsome..." Shepard stroked an imaginary beard as she spoke.

Miranda snorted. "This I have to see."

In response, Shepard got up dramatically. She approached the spare seat in front of the window and turned it around. She continued to gesture emphatically towards it as she waited for Miranda, who was still sitting.

"Are we actually doing this?" Miranda laughed.

Getting no response from Shepard, Miranda got up and sashayed her way towards the other woman. She noticed the way Shepard faltered, her eyes locking onto her hips for a brief moment. Miranda smirked. She sat down as Shepard mumbled something about retrieving her own chair from the other side of the room.

Sitting sideways on her seat, Miranda soon felt hands on her shoulders. She was tense at first but gradually relaxed as she felt Shepard kneading her muscles with the pads of her thumbs. She sighed and leaned against the back of the seat on her left, eyes closing. Shepard chuckled and started moving her hands and knuckles up and down her back.

"Okay, I take it back... You're good at this," Miranda mumbled softly.

She felt Shepard brushing her fingers through her hair, pushing it to the side. She moved her hand to hold it in place as Shepard started massaging her neck. After hesitating for a moment, Miranda moved the high collar of her dark uniform to allow the other woman better access. Her breathing became deeper as she felt the tension leaving her overworked muscles. She couldn't remember ever letting anyone touch her like this. It wasn't even like those other times she'd allowed Shepard to touch her; this was far more personal. More intimate. She felt naked underneath Shepard's hands but she found she didn't want to pull away. She was drawn to the touch. She felt a shiver run through her as she breathed out slowly.

"They teach you this in the Marines?" Miranda's words slurred slightly as she spoke.

"No, but it does come in handy. The ladies love a marine who is good with her hands."

Miranda burst out laughing at that, her shoulders convulsing. "Shepard, that was awful," she mumbled once the laughter had subsided.

"My lines need some work, Miss Lawson?" Shepard drawled.

"I'm not sure 'some' is the quantitative word that truly expresses just how badly you need help." She chuckled. There was a pause and then she continued, sober. "Sue, you don't need lines to flirt with women, you know that right? You're incredibly charming, almost infuriatingly so. And you're beautiful. I..."

Miranda stopped as she felt a weight on her shoulder blades. Her own cheeks were ablaze. She stole a peek over her shoulder to see that Shepard had leaned forward and was currently resting her head against her back.

"Sue...?"

She turned in her seat slowly as Shepard detached herself from her. The younger woman raised her eyes to hers. Shepard was all of a sudden standing too close. She could feel her breathing on her face. Miranda bit her bottom lip.

"Miri... may I kiss you?"

Miranda had barely registered she had nodded before Shepard's lips were on hers. The first kiss was gentle. Chaste. Shepard's lips pressed against hers for a second before pulling away slowly. The two stared at each other, both looking surprised before Miranda grabbed her by her collar into another kiss. This one involved searing lips and tongues, and hands that roamed the warm flesh of her neck and her waist. She found her hands had a mind of their own, tugging Shepard closer to her mouth and grabbing fistfuls of her hair, showing her that yes, she was here, and Shepard was with her, in her arms. As they slowed, clashing teeth turned into gentler open-mouthed kisses. Shepard's mouth moved from Miranda's lips down to her chin. She was kissing her jaw line, then her temples, her brow. Then Shepard's lips found hers once more. Miranda sighed, eyes closed.

As she basked in the sensations of being so close to Shepard, as the seconds turned into minutes, did the nagging little voice that inhabited her head become audible once more. Reluctantly, she pulled away, resting her forehead to Shepard's as she got her breathing under control. Anxiety returned once she realised just what had happened.

She got up, slowly backing away. Her fingertips resting on her lips.

"Shepard, I..."

Shepard looked dazed, still sitting in her chair. Hurt and confusion started to creep into her expression. She got up as well.

Miranda didn't know what to do or what to say. "I just... I just need some time, okay?" Her voice was small.

She approached Shepard again and gently cupped her cheeks as she planted a kiss upon the shorter woman's lips. She squeezed her eyes shut as she put all she wanted to say into that kiss. When she pulled away, Shepard nodded sadly, unanswered questions in her eyes as she left.

\-------------------------

She should have never done that. She'd been chastising herself for the kiss ever since it happened. What was she thinking? This wasn't the time to enter a relationship; the mission was crucial and they couldn't afford any distractions. Why had she allowed Shepard to get so close? Why had she allowed all those touches. All that gentleness and kindness? _How could I be so stupid?_

She didn't do relationships. It never ended well. It interfered with work. The other person would always get too attached and ended up fussing over her. Except that this time, both of them had gotten attached. And Miranda wanted this. The mission was so close to the end. The Cerberus Officer buried herself further into her seat in defeat.

She couldn't just... give in. Could she?

Shepard had set course to Illium, determined to give her crew shore leave before heading for the derelict reaper the Illusive Man told them about. Once the Normandy had docked she was nearly immediately vacated. Miranda had no doubts most of the crew would be celebrating in the neon-lit streets of Nos Astra that evening, burying themselves in the warm arms of another before the final dash to the finish line. Some had already left, choosing to eat lunch in the fancy restaurants that lined the business blocks.

Miranda had stayed behind, choosing solace instead of the busy crowds outside. She needed time alone to think. Time to pull herself together. At least she had been able to stop filing reports late into the night.

EDI's voice interrupted Miranda's racing mind. Shepard was apparently busy and there was a situation that required her attention down in Engineering. Miranda's stomach sunk. She was glad for the distraction, but she didn't quite know what to expect. The odds were in favour of Jack being involved and Miranda wasn't looking forward to breaking their silent agreement of staying clear of one another. As the lift descended to the fourth deck, Miranda could hear the voices becoming louder. She sighed in defeat.

As she exited the lift, Miranda identified the culprits as Jack and Grunt. And Tali. The three were arguing heatedly, Tali holding her own easily against the much larger krogan. She jabbed Grunt in the chest with a finger as she yelled.

"Tell me, genius: do you understand what will happen if you damage the systems of this ship? I'll throw you out of the airlock myself."

Miranda chose to observe the scene from a distance at first, getting a feel for what was happening. Her eyebrow raised when she noticed Ken and Gabby peeking into the hallway through the Engineering doors, hungry expressions plastered on their faces. Noticing they were seen, the two retracted their heads, no doubt going back to their stations. Soon enough, Tali noticed her too. She seemed relieved as she sighted Miranda. On the other hand, Jack scoffed behind her, shaking her head as if she couldn't believe the situation.

"Miranda!" Tali stepped toward her. "Good, you're here. Please explain to these two why they can't spar in the middle of engineering?"

Miranda turned to them, frowning. "What? That's a safety hazard. The core of the ship is on this deck!"

"Oh, calm down, cheerleader. No-one's punching a whole through our fucking engine!"

Miranda took a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down as she was faced with clear stupidity. "Jack, there is no room here for sparring."

Grunt didn't help. "The mark of a true warrior is adapting to every environment they find themselves in," he recited. "Adapting. surviving."

He hit his fists together as if making a point. Miranda narrowed her eyes at him

"Grunt, no-one is surviving being spaced," she deadpanned.

He laughed, then, a slow, deep laugh as if he were accepting it as a new challenge. Tali moved her hand to her mask, as if to shield her eyes from the sigh in front of her. She muttered something under her breath that sounded a lot like "stupid bosh'tet".

Miranda had had enough. "No-one is sparring in Engineering, damn it!" She walked over to the windows overlooking the lower deck and gestured towards it. "If you want to fight, do it in the damned hangar. Only sparring allowed. And if I find out you've damaged anything in the ship, or the shuttle god forbid, I will put a bullet between your eyes myself."

Jack sauntered towards her, a sneer on her lips. "Pfft! Princess is growing some balls."

"Just don't tear a hole in the hull," Miranda said, exasperated.

"You worry too much, cheerleader," Jack said as she entered the lift. "Grunt let's go!"

As the lift doors closed behind them, Miranda and Tali looked at each other, both deflating in exhaustion. Tali gestured towards the lift in disbelief with one hand.

\-------------------------

The way back to the crew deck was uneventful. She decided to pay Samara a visit. The asari had been especially quiet and demure the past couple of weeks, something Miranda knew had to do with the mission Shepard had accompanied her on. Something told her that was a private subject, and any questioning surrounding the topic would not be welcomed by the other woman.

As had become their routine, Miranda entered the room silently, joining Samara on the floor for a few minutes. Miranda wished they were still deep in space so she could find peace in the sight of the vastness of the universe. In the vastness of the stars. She settled for closing her eyes, blocking out the ships docking in the bays around them. It wasn't long before their biotics started syncing, moving between them in waves that travelled through unseen tracks.

As Miranda adjusted her foot, she felt it brush along something in the floor. She opened her eyes to see a plate next to her foot, a couple of empty cupcake cases lying on it.

The thoughts that had been plaguing her mind before returned. Shepard...

Why had she gotten so close? Everything was going well. Miranda could have dealt with a simple friendship. But then Shepard had gotten closer. More intimate. With her soft touches and gentle looks.

Shepard was like a snare. No matter how much Miranda tried to pull away, she ended up being pulled right back in, suffocating.

No.

Not a snare. Miranda buried her face in her hands. That wasn't fair of her. Shepard wasn't a snare. Not with her warm arms and gentle smiles. Not with the way she made her feel like there was no-one else in the world. Not with the way she made her feel safe. Light-headed. Not with the way she made her laugh. Loud and free bouts of laughter that made her eyes water and her sides hurt, that made her forget she was a Cerberus Officer aboard a suicide mission.

Miranda felt the biotics no longer flowing between her and samara but crashing against her like waves against a cliff. Samara felt it too. She scrunched her face up in discomfort. Unable to concentrate, Miranda abandoned her meditation and rushed out of the room, leaving a perplexed Samara looking over her shoulder.

As she neared the lift, the doors opened and an invisible giggling mass bumped into her.

"Kasumi?" Miranda couldn't hide her irritation.

"Shhh! Shh!" came the reply. She felt her arm being tugged along towards the port side of the ship and annoyance started to eat away at her. She didn't have time for the other woman's antics right now. Miranda's eyes narrowed at the high-pitched raucous giggling.

"Look," Miranda started.

The lift doors opened again and this time Shepard came out, sleeves dripping and a furious expression etched on her face.

"Okay, who the hell was fucking around with my model ships?"

Noting the genuine anger in Shepard's voice, Miranda allowed herself to be pulled along into Kasumi's quarters. Kasumi uncloaked after they entered, bursting out laughing. Miranda stood there, regarding her with an unamused expression as she waited for the giggles to subside. She shifted her weight from one leg to the other and crossed her arms.

"All right, what did you do?"

"Well, I was just messing with Shep... and well...I may or may not have accidentally drowned one of her model ships..." Kasumi seemed sheepish before starting to giggle once more.

"You what?" Miranda looked confused. "How exactly do you accidentally drown a... you know what? It's probably best I don't know." She stopped herself short upon sighting the evil grin creeping across Kasumi's face.

"Well, since you're here, may I offer you a drink?" Kasumi walked over to the bar.

"I don't drink while on the job."

"We're not on duty, remember? Shep gave us the day off."She produced two glasses from behind the counter. They clinked together as she set them down with one hand.

Miranda hesitated for a moment before approaching her. She accepted a glass from the other woman.

"Damn it... What the hell... The world's going to shit anyway," she muttered.

"Woah! Woah! A little pessimistic there, no?" Kasumi looked a bit shocked.

Miranda remained silent, opting for sipping her drink instead of answering.

"Come on." Kasumi grabbed Miranda by the arm, pulling her along gently back to the sofas. They both sat down. "You wanna talk about it?

Miranda simply looks at her, expressionless.

"I just mean... The whole world can't be going to shit, right? You have your sister." Kasumi gave her an encouraging smile. Miranda's expression cracked a little. "Have you been in touch with her?

Miranda glanced down at her drink, a small smile tugging at her lips. "Yeah."

"See?" Kasumi said excitedly, pulling her feet up in front of her.

Neither said much for a while. Miranda could see Kasumi darting glances towards her, trying to find the words to say something.

"So... Say Miranda... " Kasumi cleared her throat. "You and Jacob...?"

Miranda turned to her, confused at first. As the dots started to connect in her head, she decided to tease her.

"Jacob and I...?" She drawled.

"Oh, come on! You're not going to make me say it?"

Miranda gave her the politest look she could manage, feigning ignorance and listening intently. She could see the blush creeping in on Kasumi's cheeks.

"I know you two have... history..." she began. "You'd be okay with someone else...?"

Miranda broke into a smile, humour twinkling in her eyes. "Jacob doesn't belong to me, Kasumi. He's my friend, and I'd like to see him happy."

"Well... good." Kasumi sipped her own drink, avoiding looking at Miranda as her cheeks cooled. "So... anyone you're interested in, Miranda?"

The Cerberus Officer looked at her from the corner of her eye, not answering. Kasumi wasn't having it.

"You need to be kinder to yourself. You do so much for us, so much that we all take for granted. Indulging in something just for you is well overdue." Miranda could swear the thief was wiggling her eyebrows at her. "Maybe indulging in a little someone?"

"Classy..." Miranda scoffed as Kasumi smirked.

The latter sobered. "Miranda, we're going through the Omega-4 Relay soon. What is the thing you're going to regret not doing most while you had the chance?"

Miranda was determined not to co-operate. How dare she? What did she know?

"Go to her."

"It's not that simple!" Miranda's face contorted in frustration as she faced the other woman.

"From where I'm looking at it? Yeah. It is." Kasumi sat up then, looking serious. "She really likes you, you know. And I know you like _her._ "

Miranda swallowed, never looking away.

\-------------------------

The ride up to Shepard's quarters was a slow one. Miranda was jittery as she waited, the contents of the tray in her hands occasionally trembling along with her. She had decided to face Shepard and she was nervous. Shepard had seemed understanding when she'd asked her for time, but the hurt in her eyes wasn't lost on Miranda. She didn't want to leave the younger woman alone in that uncertainty. She couldn't. She glanced down once more at the food she had prepared for them both.

The ship had been almost empty for hours; everyone had left by the evening. She'd asked EDI to keep an eye on Shepard, not wanting to be interrupted by a surprise visit down in the kitchen. Knowing how much it would mean to Shepard, Miranda had attempted to cook her own snacks this time. The results were... disastrous for the most part. Four batches of cupcakes had been thrown out before Miranda had even managed to salvage anything soft enough to eat, and it took another batch entirely before Miranda baked anything that didn't dry her mouth as she bit into it. The final batch had turned out well, all things considered, but Miranda couldn't tune out the perfectionist voice in the back of her mind, telling her that Shepard would probably eat them only out of kindness. The Pancakes had proven another challenge entirely. She eyed the singed corners of the pastry with furrowed brows.

Miranda was mostly glad she hadn't caught anything on fire.

As she reached the top deck of the ship, she asked EDI to let the Commander know she was at the door. Almost immediately, the doors opened. Shepard turned to her from near her desk, space-hamster in hand.

"Miranda...?" There was a hopeful tone to her voice.

"Hey..." Miranda found herself uncharacteristically shy. "Thought you might like some company?" She raised the tray slightly in emphasis.

Shepard grinned from ear to ear. "Yes! I'd love some company. Oh, hang on!" Shepard retreated back into her little office cubicle as Miranda walked further into the room. She saw Shepard gently returning the space-hamster back into his glass cage. As she turned back to her, she wiggled her hands in the hair. "Let me just wash up!"

Miranda looked around as she waited for her to exit the bathroom. She glanced briefly at the model ships. She noticed one was missing and remembered Kasumi's words.

I may or may not have accidentally drowned one of her model ships.

The fish tank! Curiosity getting the best of her, Miranda approached the large tank that lined the wall of the ship. Sure enough, the SSV Normandy vessel had been dropped into its depths. Miranda put down the tray of food on the table in front of the sofas and approached the tank once more. A faint stream of bubbles left the model as the fish swam around it. Shepard had accumulated quite the collection of fish over the past few weeks. Miranda was more surprised she hadn't managed to kill them already more than anything. She felt like she should be angry at Shepard for spending their credits on the models and the fish, but found she couldn't bring herself to do so. There was something beautiful and calming about the way they swam around in the aquarium.

She heard Shepard approaching her.

"Yeah... I was going to remove the model, but Grunt Jr. really liked it."

Miranda looked at her "Grunt Jr.?

Shepard pointed at a rather large fish. It was brown with a few speckles of light blue. As if to prove Shepard's earliest point, it was swimming through the stream of bubbles emanating from the model ship.

Miranda chuckled. "Did you name them all?"

Shepard nodded.

"And am I one of their namesakes?"

Shepard laughed. She pointed at one particularly pretty fish, mostly white with a few stripes of black. There was something elegant about the way it swam."She has a bit of a way with crowds; Everyone seems to part for her. Never stays still for long. She also goes by "Princess" or "Supreme Overlord Lawson"".

Miranda lightly smacked her arm, but was unable to keep the smile from her lips. Shepard was looking at her, genuine affection exuding from her. Miranda found herself growing hotter, self-consciousness making her avoid direct eye contact. Shepard had a way of making her feel like she didn't fit in her own skin, like she was too big for it.

Noticing she was becoming flustered, the other woman gestured towards the tray she had brought in. "I see I've been rubbing my terrible influences off on you?"

Miranda scoffed. "I thought I'd try to cook for you for once. It was... more involved than I anticipated..."

Shepard touched her arm, a warm smile still on her face. "Thank you, I'm sure everything is amazing!"

"I just can't get the hang of baking," Miranda lamented, crossing her arms in front of her like a shield.

Shepard chuckled, walking toward the seats. She sat down herself and patted the seat next to her. Miranda hesitated for a moment before complying.

As she saw Shepard reaching for the pancakes she couldn't help but say something. "Sorry they're a little burnt..."

Miranda looked uncertain... and then Shepard raised the pancake over her head and put the entire thing in her mouth. She smiled at the older woman as she chewed, then closed her eyes and moaned.

"wow.. how articulate," Miranda says, smiling.

Shepard bumped her shoulder into hers, grinning. "These taste great, Miri. Thank you. "

Not knowing how to respond, Miranda bit into one of her own. She noted they weren't as good as Shepard's but if the other woman was bothered she didn't say anything - she simply reached for another.

Miranda noticed the way they sat so close, thighs touching as they ate. It felt so comfortable. Her unease had completely left her as she sat there. It was almost like the kiss never happened. Was Shepard pretending for her sake? Did she think Miranda thought back on that moment as a mistake? She couldn't let her think that.

She grabbed a cupcake and fumbled for the words she wanted to say. "I'm sorry... I asked you to leave the other day."

Shepard looked surprised. She turned towards her. "Oh... No, you don't need to sorry for that... " She fiddled with a cupcake case of her own, peeling it. "I'm sorry if I was too pushy..."

Miranda smiled. "Sue, you asked to kiss me. That's not being pushy."

Shepard grinned sheepishly. "I guess..." She faltered "I was just worried I might have made you uncomfortable." She bit into a cupcake.

Miranda paused, looking at her. There were crumbs stuck to the corners of her mouth. She chuckled, raising a hand to brush the crumbs away gently.

"You didn't." She left her hand there, cupping her face. Shepard met her eyes. "May I kiss you?"

Shepard smiled in response, leaning forward.

Their lips met. If Miranda had any doubts about what she was doing they disappearing somewhere after she tasted the frosting on Shepard's lips and before she felt the other woman stroking her cheek. Miranda tried to put down her cupcake on the table, but refused to open her eyes to do so. She felt herself miss the table as she dropped the pastry. Shepard laughed into her mouth while grabbing her hands and interlacing her fingers with hers. She felt herself smile into the kiss as well. Their foreheads rested against each other as they pulled away from the kiss.

"I'd like to give... this... a chance" Miranda whispered. "I was afraid before, afraid of losing you... but I've had time to think. I... Shepard, I'm not going anywhere. Whatever happens, I'm here."

Shepard pulled back slightly, smiling all the way.

"Good."

She brushed stray hair behind Miranda's ear before leaning forward once more to kiss her forehead.

Fin.


End file.
